16 HELPING DARRYL AND SAMAR TO “FIGHT FAIRLY” BACKGROUNDS Clients Darryl and Sam

16 HELPING DARRYL AND SAMAR TO “FIGHT FAIRLY”
BACKGROUNDS
Clients
Darryl and Sam

16 HELPING DARRYL AND SAMAR TO “FIGHT FAIRLY”
BACKGROUNDS
Clients
Darryl and Samar are both in their mid-30s and have been together for 11 years. They got married about 15 months ago, shortly after their state passed a marriage-equality law. Soon after the marriage they started talking about having a baby through a surrogate. They came to counseling because “things have become rough,” and they found themselves “starting to doubt” their relationship.
Darryl is a European American male with an MBA degree and owns a small business that offers party-planning services. He is from a large Christian family with parents still living and six adult siblings, but Darryl said, “I am not sure how they are doing,” when the counselor asked about his extended family members. He did explain that he has contact with one of his younger sisters, who has had some “issues.” Darryl said that his business was “OK” but not as good as he thought it should be.
Samar is an Indian American male who immigrated to the United States when he was 15 years old. He speaks with an Indian accent. He has a master’s degree in computer science and has worked for a shoe company as a database manager. Because he has computer skills, he has done most of the computer-related work for Darryl’s business, such as managing the website, programming the system for cost estimation for new customers, and so on. Recently, he let Darryl know that some changes need to happen with their current working arrangement (i.e., his working for Darryl)—either he will work for Darryl’s company full time, or he will not be able to do any of the work.
Counselor
Dr. Goody is an immigrant from Turkey and received her college and graduate education in the United States. She is in her 40s and has worked in community mental health settings for over 10 years.
DIALOGUE 1
Dr. Goody: Good afternoon. I am Dr. Goody.
Darryl & Samar: Good afternoon.
Dr. Goody: May I address you by your first names?
Darryl: Sure!
Samar: Yes.
Dr. Goody: Who wants to start telling me how I can be helpful to you?
Samar: Let him start.
Darryl: You see, he is always like this. He won’t say what he has on his mind but makes me look like the bad one when I speak.
Dr. Goody: Please elaborate how he makes you look bad.
Darryl: OK, I will just talk about myself. I have not been feeling good about the relationship for a while—since we got married to be accurate. I feel that he does not support me as he used to and that he is even distancing himself from me. I work so hard each day with long hours, and at the end of the day, I have to see a cold, uninterested face. Worse yet, he shows his temper sometimes, although he doesn’t say much.
Dr. Goody: That does sound difficult—coming home tired and not feeling supported. Did you let Samar know your feelings about this?
Darryl: He knows. It is not new, but he is not helping. So we came here.
Samar: I am sorry. Yes, we have talked about it.
(silence)
Darryl: Why don’t you tell your story? You see, this is what I mean. I feel like a whiner when there is another person present. I do not know why we are here! If only one person is going to talk, only one person needs to come. You know, sometimes we fight, more often now, sadly, but if you did not see us do that, you would think one person is crazy and the other a nice one.
Dr. Goody: This communication pattern apparently bothers you, Darryl. How about you, Samar?
Samar: Yes, it really bothers me, too. That is why we are here.
Dr. Goody: Do you care to say a bit more about the ways this bothers you, Samar?
Samar: I can say more, but I am really afraid that would make things worse.
Dr. Goody: OK, let’s put our heads together and figure out how things will get worse if Samar starts saying more.
Darryl: I don’t get it. I have always asked for more, but he is not giving it—he is actually giving me less and less. We used to talk a lot. Don’t you think our past talks helped both of us? Now you are saying that you can’t talk? You are being passive aggressive!
Samar: I am afraid that we are going to drift apart.
Darryl: How? By talking or not talking? We are going to drift apart if you are like this. You wanted to come here, but you are not talking. Now I am actually feeling afraid . . . for the first time.
Dr. Goody: Well, let’s talk about your fears.
Dr. Goody: Reflection 1
Although communication appears to be a key issue for the couple, I suspect that their social experiences or experiences as gay individuals and as a gay couple are an undercurrent. Additionally, Samar’s ethnic background and the cross-cultural nature of their relationship add more dimensions to the issues at hand. I have a hunch that marriage is a victory for them in some ways but a new and maybe unrecognized challenge in other ways. It has possibly brought them a whole set of new challenges that result from social discrimination and oppression. I am really curious about their experiences in their work and social settings because I think some of the social and interpersonal dynamics they experience at work may replicate in their relationship.
Share your observations about the following questions:
What did Dr. Goody do in the session that you think was effective or ineffective?
If you were Dr. Goody, what directions would you take to reflect a “multicultural approach?”
At this point, what is your sense of the major issue the couple is facing?
DIALOGUE 2
Darryl: I am afraid that it is all a big mistake.
Dr. Goody: What are you referring to by “it?”
Darryl: I don’t know. Everything, I guess.
Samar: I am afraid of losing what we had—friendship, companionship, and the dependence on each other. Of course, being the first to get married—I mean, of those like us—and the first divorced would be terrible.
Darryl: You are saying the word, I’m not. Is it what you have been thinking about all along? Why didn’t you say it before? It is so unfair that we were probably fighting for different purposes! You always have reasons, but never this one. You see, we can’t even fight equally and fairly.
(silence)
Dr. Goody: Could both of you share what you are feeling at this moment?